Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
