Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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