Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
