remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
