You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
