I accidentally had phone sex last night
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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