At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
