I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
