I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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