I just pynch a tree in the face
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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