I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
