And to think..we used to do everything sober...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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