My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
