You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
