why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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