i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
