Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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