areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
