i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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