I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
