Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
