No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
