I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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