Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
