My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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