where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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