New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
