You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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