Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
