I've blown a few things in my day
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
