i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
