I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
