So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
