Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
