Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
