im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize
