I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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