You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
