Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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