I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
