I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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