i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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