So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
