there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
