You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
