If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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