Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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