Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
