so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
