I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
